chickenshoot (chickenshoot) wrote,



I love caramel apples.

[Off the topic: When people pronounce it KERR-a-mel, I want to punch them in the neck. Please just use two syllables. CAR-muhl]

But I don't want to MAKE caramel apples. I'm sure I need a thermometer or some other kitchen gadget I don't own, and melting things would also require my constant supervision. I need to be able to turn on a timer and walk away until a beeping tells me to return, or oven disasters ensue.

MY caramel apple attempt

So I was at the grocery store, which is filled with pumpkins and orange balloons and fake fall leaves to make me believe it's October, and I feel a craving for caramel apples, which of course are only harvested this time of year, which of course makes them rare and highly desirable.

Next to the apples are caramels and sticks to make your own, or there's a pre-made single caramel apple rolled in nuts in a package nearby. So I can buy supplies to make (ruin) 12 apples to eat by myself, or I can buy a single apple called:

Karmel Appel

I HATE when things are spelled wrong on purpose like this. It gives the manufacturer power to sell something that isn't what it appears to be, as the spelling revokes all guarantees. It's permission call a plastic a "dimund" and rubber chemicals "cheez" and dyed fish "krabb."


But I did buy the karmel appel because for all the labs on earth I figured they are not actually creating fake APPLES yet. Maybe fake apple bits, but not apples shaped like whole apples.

It was a real apple, but it was old and weird, and the karmel was reddish and not even remotely caramelish. I might as well have bought snake oil.

Been really disappointed in some people lately and wished they had labels to point out their lack of authenticity as human beings. Unlike a product on the shelf, stupid and mean people are everywhere, and there are no labels to warn me that they only appear to be human. Can't dodge them fast enough. Can't know up front how dangerous they are. I've felt a little bit like I'm wandering through my own Invasion of the Body-Snatchers...

But part of the problem is there's really only one way to spell "man" without wasting an extra letter trying to disguise it, like "mann."  I think there are lots of Menn out there leaving out the extra "n," so beware. Cheez can make you sick, but Menn can hurt and disappoint your soul.

I'm not leaving myself out of this business. I'm not an authentic lady, but I wouldn't go so far as to label myself "Laydee" and try to get away with anything. My label would just be more specific like "Foul-mouthed Lady," and my ingredients would most assuredly list sarcasm and profanity, as well as my total lack of any essential vitamins and nutrients.

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