chickenshoot (chickenshoot) wrote,
chickenshoot
chickenshoot

Turtles and perfume

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David Gray -- "This Year's Love"
This is one of the prettiest songs I've ever heard... I don't know where to point for someone to go listen to a song other than the video on Youtube, so here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9v6WujPSUfI

I like the odd video too.

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I hate perfume. I like the smell of cookies and candy and flowers and other sweet things, but not the actual "perfume" or "cologne" scents in bottles. In fact, they make me ill. I've been on an elevator with perfumed ladies and thought I might vomit before I reached my floor. Or I get an instant headache. Or if I come in contact with the scents I actually itch like nuts, especially my face. Everything I own is unscented, brother.

What the hell kind of an affliction is this for a GIRL to have? It's something I can't escape, as scented things are everywhere. There are lots of gifts that I never get to use because they've been prettied up with perfume: soaps, lotions, candles, and slippers. Yes, I said slippers. One time a guy gave me a fluffy pair of house slippers that were scented with lavender, one of the prime killers. Lavender is the Darth Vader of scents.



You couldn't escape the lavender of these evil slippers because it was SEWN RIGHT INTO THE SOLE. That's right, a stash of lavender built in to kill me slowly with each use. I unwrapped these slippers to a punch in the nose, but I had to smile and try them on and pretend I'd use them. In reality they ended up on a top shelf of the closet because I felt too guilty to give them away immediately. Only next time I opened the closet door I was hit with a concentrated lavender slipper gas that forced me to wrap the slippers in plastic and stash them safely in a drawer. The drawer was unbearable too, but there the slippers hid until they could be disposed of by proper authorities.

The kicker is that these slippers could be microwaved to "release" the scent fully. I suppose if I wanted to commit suicide I could have done so pretty quietly and mysteriously by this method.

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Driving home from Oklahoma across miles and miles of fields and nothingness I couldn't help but notice hundreds of separate turtles crossing the highways to their certain deaths. It's always discouraging to realize they are heading toward a concrete median (if they make it across), and that they will either be doubling back or heading up the median for miles and miles hoping for an opening. So many of them were already dead.

Btw, while searching for a turtle image just now I came across this site about the world's worst turtle-killing highway: http://www.lakejacksonturtles.org/ I'm kinda wondering how you gather statistics from around the globe to claim that title...



One time I stopped in a traffic jam and rescued a turtle the size of a toilet seat. He was ambling thru the stopped cars and heading for a median that went on into eternity. Since he was so close I just opened my door and picked him up. He rode in the passenger seat looking most confused until I dropped him off up the road in a swampy ditch that lead to a lake in the distance. My friend tells me now that I probably really ruined his day and took him far from his family. I say I saved his life. I never heard from him again, though, so we'll never know how he feels.

Hey, I used to date this guy who had a turtle-ish face. I thought about it a lot. Sometimes I wasn't even listening to him talk because I was only thinking about him looking like a turtle. I imagined if I could take him seriously in a turtle-neck sweater, and sometimes I saw him snap a bite of food in a most turtle-like manner... This situation was only worse when I went to his parents' house and found that they looked just like turtles too. It was a whole turtle family in a dark little house with sunken rooms and fish tanks. I was consumed with turtle thoughts and heard only sparse bits of the conversation.

I must say I was quickly jolted out of the turtle thoughts when I met the guy's sister. Yes, she also looked like a turtle. She had to---she looked just like the guy! I mean EXACTLY, most disturbingly so. She walked in, short and squat and broad-shouldered just like him. Same height and identical face. I'm telling you, this was my boyfriend in a blonde wig and makeup. This was not a feminine version of him. This was him in drag. I have no idea what she said to me either.


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