I'm sitting in the theater with my 11-year-old nephew to watch "Ghost Rider," and while I walked into this joint already feeling ill, ten minutes after the lights dim I realize I really really don't feel well. Sore guts, head throbbing and a supreme nausea that should only be experienced after a night of hard-drinking.
So while some super cool graphics are going by during the opening credits, they barely register as another dialog rolls thru my head:
I have cancer that has spread out of control.
My organs are failing.
I'm having a stroke.
Did someone punch me in the stomach and I forgot about it?
I have an ice-pick in my eye.
I'm going to vomit all over my nephew.
I'm too young to die.
Ghost Rider will be the last thing I ever see.
But ya know, each of those thoughts only gets one fly-by, then I move on to assure myself that it's just another mystery illness that will ruin a few days and be gone. Now let's just try to watch the movie without vomiting.
This movie is kinda fun, silly...It's ok. I'm just glad Nicolas Cage isn't trying to be a real bad-ass, and I'm glad there is no Jedi/Yoda character teaching him how to fight, and I'm glad there is no Incredible Hulk in this movie, leaping cross-desert in his purple pants, (although that was pretty funny.) Holy crap do I like sexy Sam Elliot with that long white hair and deep voice. Maybe this movie really sucks, but I'm forgiving it for Nicolas Cage and Sam Elliot.
My thumb hurts.
I jammed it one day when I was smashing a banana upside my husband's head.
Now it won't heal.
How can it heal if I keep using it?
I have to use my thumb!
That's what I reap for violence...
What the hell is going on in this movie? Why are there five bad guys? That bad guy is related to that bad guy? Is he a devil? A vampire? Why do they keep getting so close to his face to show how freaking EVIL he is? We get it already.
I wonder if that guy felt silly filming those scenes?
When they were doing like the 12th close-up of evilness, and the director yells for the 12th time, "Ok, now snarl and look really evil..." did the kid run out of snarls? Did he try to think of 12 different evil thoughts?
When they do a close-up, is there someone on-hand just to do booger checks on the actors?
FOR CRYING OUT-LOUD, my nephew eats popcorn louder than anyone on the planet.
This makes me keep looking at him and wondering what he's thinking about while he's watching this (and any) movie. There's been a couple songs in this movie now that are from the 80's, and my nephew is singing along. We can thank the game "Guitar Hero" for educating the young ones in that area. The nephew has also never read comic books, but he recognizes Stan Lee's name from movies...
After a Ghost Rider and bad guy confrontation, my nephew whispers to me, "He could have been cooler than that. He should have pointed his finger at the bad guy and said, 'I'M GHOST RIDER.'" And each time one of these cheap villains too easily bites the dust, my nephew turns to me and shakes his head with disappointment. It's true. These villains are age-old earth, wind and water demon things, and it takes Ghost Rider about a minute to dispose of each with an old chain or a bear-hug. Cheap.
Oh, but there's Sam Elliot again...
The love-interest reporter girl in this movie just did a scene so bad that I'm not sure if it was supposed to be bad. Is she portraying that she's uncomfortable interviewing this fellow, or is she UNABLE TO ACT LIKE SHE'S INTERVIEWING THIS FELLOW? I do know that she has this role because she is HOT, and that she is so very evenly orange-brown and so very shiny that I can only concentrate on her brown/shininess and bad acting.
Perhaps she is naturally brown, but is she naturally shiny, or was shininess applied on purpose? Is shininess a word?...In any case, can't a love interest occasionally be cast for her spunk and quirks and a really cute nose rather than obvious hotness? No, not since Marion in "Raiders of the Lost Ark."
This movie has wrapped up now with a very unsatisfying ending, as I suspected it would. Anyways, I've lived long enough to at least make it to the parking lot to die. The stars in the sky will be the last thing I see, by golly, if I land facing the right direction.