Every time I read an article or hear a radio show where someone is asking for advice about things that any person of average intelligence should be able to figure out on their own, I realize a lot of people need to ask the Wizard for some common sense. Even more amazed that someone gets to be the "expert" to dole out this common sense.
Caller: "Doctor, our kids are harassing us around the clock to install a swimming pool, and we can't decide whether to give in."
Doctor Advice: "Well, first of all, I make it a habit to not let my kids influence any big financial decisions, ya know, since they have no income and I really only owe them food and shelter.... Anyway, how much would that pool set you back?"
Caller: "About $25,000."
Doctor Advice: "Okay, so how are you doing financially right now?"
Caller: "Well, my husband works, but I lost my job. We're kind of paycheck-to-paycheck right now, but mostly okay."
Doctor Advice: "How much debt do you have?"
Caller: "We have about $50,000 on credit cards, and $25,000 in school loans, and our previous house is still sitting there for sale. We're making double house payments right now.
Doctor Advice: "Well, I'm gonna tell you right now a pool is the last thing on earth you should be thinking about..."
Dear Auntie Advice,
My daughter screams at me, skips school a lot, doesn't obey her curfew, and she beats up her younger sister sometimes. I'm trying really hard to be her friend, and I buy her anything she wants, but we just can't seem to get along.
To kind of smooth things over I decided she could have a big birthday party this weekend with all of her friends, and I wanted to surprise her with a new car. But then she got caught shop-lifting again yesterday, and I'm thinking about calling off the party. Would it be terribly unfair if I canceled the party?
Hopelessly Lost Mom
Dear Hopelessly Lost Mom,
Cancel the party. Please look up "spoiled" in the dictionary. Also, consider being a mother instead of a friend.
Advice in oh-so-savvy parenting magazines and internet articles:
Try to eat together as a family at the table once a week. It's a good time to get to know your kids! Have some conversation. Ask questions. Smile. Seem involved.
Children shouldn't eat cookies and candy all day. You can survive this tragic and surprising news by occasionally giving them fruit and veggies for snacks! See our instructions inside for where to buy apples and carrots and how to slice them.
Cut sandwiches diagonally for a fun shape! Or get even more creative and stick a piece of licorice rope in the corner of a sandwich. VOILA---it's a sandwich KITE!
Skip the expensive pre-made chocolate milk. You can make your own chocolate milk with chocolate syrup and milk! Follow this easy diagram and add a straw. Voila!!
While looking for an image of chocolate milk, I happened across one with a Jesus image in the syrup.
By the way, I hate the word "voila." It rarely appears next to any kind of feat that warrants it being said. It's especially funny when someone spells it "Wa-la!"